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From One Crazy Life To Another

Spreading the craziness, one smile at a time

It’s okay to fall apart

I give myself permission to fall apart. Sometimes, I just need to let it out, and therefore be able to let go. I fall on my knees, and cry my eyes out. I scream in pillows, I say a bazillion times all the things I could have done better, I wonder why God ever finds me worthy, and then, the most amazing thing happens.

I get back up.

I pray for guidance, peace, and the strength to have faith that God hasn’t left me behind and will help me. Then, I go for it all over again. That’s the beautiful thing about life, you get the chance to get back up, and go after your hopes, dreams, and ambitions. If you’re like me lately, you go back and revise the weekly budget. We human beings are stronger than we give ourselves credit for, because we have God behind us. When you have that, what else do you need? Jesus ain’t ever stopped loving anyone, and being there for them. He died, for YOU. He’s not going to stop being there, especially after an event like that. God sent him down, to die for your sins, so you could have a chance to be with him forever. Jesus accepted, and went down and spent 33 years teaching, preaching, and loving those who weren’t loved by anyone else. If he loved the deplorables of society, the misfits, the motley crue of sorts, then who says he can’t love you?! God, and his son Jesus ain’t never stopped the business of saving lives. So, if I can say all of that is behind me, I surely can get back up after a small obstacle. I can stand behind, and have faith in a man who died, came back to live, and rose to heaven to be with his father, FOR ME! I can stand behind a God, who loves me unconditionally, no matter what, and have faith in him.

It’s been a good, rather bouncy, but good day today.

Truly happy

Last Sunday, I had a my first experience back in church. I felt powerless, anxiety ridden, and awful about it all. Then, I went on Wednesday and felt a lot better. I still had anxiety, especially when speaking in the class, but better nonetheless. I had spoken to the pastor about becoming a member of the church, and this Sunday, that’s exactly what we did. I had to stand up in front of the entire congregation, along with my family. I actually handled the hugs, and the bubble infiltration very well. I was excited, and happy. I felt more love, and awesomeness than I had before. It was quite amazing.

Ever since I started talking about my anxiety in the open with my family, and going to church, I’ve felt a sense of freedom I haven’t felt in a long time. I have a strong connection with my in laws, an even stronger connection with my husband, and it’s all because of God. My family and I are doing better, and it’s amazing all around. I’m less stressed about things, I have the gumption to do what I need to do, and when I fall short of my goals, I bounce back and do it again. These last two weeks, although anxiety provoking at times, have been wonderful. I couldn’t ask for better. I have a relationship with God, the dynamics with all of my family are better, and I’m going after the goals I’ve wanted to for years. I’m pushing back the idea of tears as I write this, simply because of how truly happy I feel.

I love the feeling of freedom, and happiness that isn’t daunted by the black cloud over my head.

 

A case of the hiccups

Everyone has their one thing that is a queue for their anxiety. Whether it’s nail biting, or playing with their hair, or even subconscious fidgeting, we all have at least one.

Mine is the hiccups.

I’ve had them all day. It’s quite annoying, and today has been nerve wracking from beginning to end. I registered for college today. It started off well, I was peppy, happy, and unusually calm. I had prepared myself for this for the last week, and I was actually excited for it. I even spoke to people who I didn’t plan on speaking to! I was pretty proud of myself. If you’re new to reading my blogs, this is NOT a normal event. Normally my jaws clam shut, and my chest gets tight when a new person speaks to me. Maybe it helped it wasn’t super crowded in there. It all starts with big crowds of people, but either way it was nice. I won’t ruin my own moment.

Then…. it came time for registration.

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I couldn’t log into my account, so I had to go back to the administration office to get it reset, so I could log in. THEN, I couldn’t find classes in my time schedule I wanted to keep, so I had to go outside of it, and ask my father to take my squirt to school two times a week. I didn’t want to make anyone go outside of their schedules this semester, because I know the actual nursing program is going to kick everyone outside of their schedule, HARD. Finally, I get told ALL the requirements I had prepared myself for, were changed, and instead of having to take the simple TEAS test, now I have to take the expensive ACT instead.

images8DFSEMU1So, then I go and get my school ID, which turns me into an oompa lumpa with red hair. I didn’t let it bother me. I look pretty darn spiffy on my drivers license, which is dang near IMPOSSIBLE to do, so I still have that in my arsenal of self confidence pick-me-ups! Well, after I finish up registering and paying for my classes, I head home. I don’t leave my keys in the car like I usually do, because I’m trying to practice ways NOT to get my car stolen. I come inside to find my cat broke out of the window by pushing the wood next to the AC unit, out of the window. What the heck kitty? It’s not prison in here! I channeled my cats inner fat guy, and caught him, but dropped my keys out of my pocket in the process. I, however, in my own special way, don’t notice this until later.

THEN, my hubby comes home, and shows me a RIDICULOUSLY small check, of which was freudSUPPOSED to cover rent, groceries, and other things we needed. I was already to a point of going into a full blown anxiety attack from losing my cat, and the events from going to the school today. I calm myself back down, and go through the budget I made, which was fantastically three months ahead(kudos to me!)! We figured out the situation, and resolved it in a happily ever after type of fashion, and decide to head out to family night. THIS, was when I realize I lost my keys. My brain imploded on itself, causing a meltdown explosion on the outside. My hubby, heroically, grabs the flashlight and heads outside to search. I pull myself together and head outside soon after. I ask for the flashlight and powerwalk around my house, swaying the light back and forth hoping for a glimmer. I glance at the pile of cat food used to bribe my cat, and I see a bright pile of shiny.

Thank God!

We go to Walmart, and my hubby, being the way he is, picks up my favorite Christmas movie ever. The original Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer. It’s the 50th edition too, so it comes with a cute little story book inside! Then he gets pizza, my favorite pack of IMG_0180cigarettes, and my favorite fountain soda, and we head home. He grabs my blanket, pops in the movie and ate pizza with me. I have the best man on the planet, I just want all of you to know this. He completely melted away the stress of the day. He reminded me of the things that mattered, and celebrated my accomplishments with me. I finally am on my way to my Nursing degree. I got through the day mostly anxiety free! I prayed through the rough moments, which is something I would have never done before. I did a lot of good today.

 

So, I’ll soak up my victory, with Coca Cola, and Papa Johns!

 

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