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From One Crazy Life To Another

Spreading the craziness, one smile at a time

We are who we are

When you look at people, you see a different variety usually at all times. 

Short, tall, large, small.

Some are in better places than others, while some can’t live without the feeling of struggle.

Happy, sad, rich, poor.

Some have crazy hair, while others stick to the natural colors of life. Some have artwork dancing across their skin, and jewelry in places that suits their tastes, while others believe in the straight and narrow.

Boisterous, crazy, normal, reserved.

Some chase their dreams, and their passions, while others chase a significant other and a high.

Passionate, hard working,lazy, stupid 

But even with all of those differences, we have one thing in common:

We want to be accepted as who we are, for what we are at that moment. 

We may not be finished, heck, we may not even be started yet, but we deserve to be respected for everything we are, and everything we aren’t too.

We have choices, and while they may not agree with your own, live and let live!  

Paralyzingly beautiful 

Panic, a fight or flight defense mechanism. We all have it, and it’s saved us all at least once. 

I can’t move.

A state of emotion that invokes immeasurable fear. You either fight what’s coming at you, or you run like hell.

I can’t breathe!

But what happens, when you are what you’re fighting, or running from?

Please, make it stop!

Panic, a beautiful thing, until senseless thoughts are what cause it. The anxiety that you can’t escape from. The stress from work, the seemingly large flaws in your marriage, the behavior from your children, the struggles in school, the problems with your friends. We can sometimes keep ourselves together, but on the times we can’t, it’s a nightmare that you just can’t escape from.

 

No matter what positive self talk I feed myself, or how I pretend being okay, it doesn’t work. 

Five minutes seems like forever.

Your head won’t stop reeling.

You can’t move, but you want to hide.

Your heart feels like it’s just about to bust out and do a dance number on your chest.

Some people fall in the fetal position and start bawling. Others feel like there’s a snake wrapping themselves around their chest, sucking every bit of air out of their chest. I’m personally one of the ones who feels like their mind is going to implode, and although I want to cry, my tear ducts go dry. I can’t breathe, I stutter my words, my train of thought completely derails, and I just want to crawl under the blanket with my teddy. 

My husband calls it paralyzingly beautiful vulnerability. He says only the strongest people can handle someone that deeply vulnerable. With pride in his eyes, he claimed that those with even more strength feel it. It’s not only courageous to feel that vulnerability to it’s fullest, but to embrace it, as well as learn from it. It’s beauty in one of it’s rawest forms.


He says,”Only if you truly feel, and embrace your emotions, in their full form, will you learn from them, and learn to gain power, instead of lose it. That is truly how you learn from panic, and that is how you fight.” 

Paralyzingly beautiful vulnerability, the new panic attack. 


  

Lighting up the void

So, I haven’t posted in a month. Ugh. I promise I seriously had plans to get to it!

No, no you didn’t.

Okay, okay, so I forgot. I would think about it, and then forget. A lot.

It’s been a few days over a month since I posted last. I have been under construction if you will, (a lot of cool self-esteem building memes use that term!) so writing got put on the back burner(as usual). It will be put on hold again here on Monday, because I start my remedial courses for college. However, I will try to build in a schedule for bi-weekly posts. I’ll have a planner for all my assignments, and blog writing could prepare me for English 101. 

I just found a productive excuse to blog. Yes!!

Over the last six months or so, I’ve learned to control the Anxiety and Depression. The first few months or so were hard, REALLY, hard. I had to learn my triggers, learn the triggers of those triggers, then learn how to cope with them, and make the fears behind them go away. It was mentally and physically exhausting. For the last month of that, that of which I have been gone from the blogosphere, I’ve been enjoying my family, and finding myself. I have been learning to deal with the fact that I don’t need to be afraid of making myself happy first, or being okay with who I am is a good thing, instead of wrong. My marriage is AMAZING, I am confident in myself, starting school, and my kids and I are doing much better. 

As for the Anxiety and it’s sub set Depression, it’s easier to deal with, but it’s still there. It’ll never go away fully unfortunately. However, I know how to function, and function well. I know when I need to just take a day or two to feel it, and when I can press forward. I know the thoughts when they do pass, are just thoughts and have no link to reality. So, for that, I am very proud of myself. 

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