I really struggled these last few days with finding a topic to write on. I’ve had the stress of finals, some personal struggles at home, and the stress of being a mother and a wife. Finding some quiet headspace was a struggle in itself, nonetheless doing any sort of thinking while I was there. I thought really found myself feeling low. I said I was beginning anew, and I was stepping in the same old habits as before. I can’t do it, so why even try?
I forgot that I’m human. I have red blood running through me, and a brain that forgets like everyone else. I forgot that even though I’ve been stressed, I’ve accomplished a lot. I’ve made so many strides for my family, for my career and for myself. I have battled the enemy spaces on the inside of my head, and actually won. I have learned patience with myself, forgiveness of my own transgressions, and that pain and hurt are parts of life that you can either wallow in, or grow from. I almost forgot those things when I thought about this blog.
I’ve had a really hard time being forgiving of myself when I forget or just can’t do something. I’m even worse when it comes to something I truly like to do. That’s really how I functioned during school, lots of pressure, tears, and self pity. It worked, I found out I made the presidents list today. I haven’t EVER had a 4.0 average, and it amazes me that I could do it nine years out of high school. I turned in my nursing application last Wednesday, and I was so concerned with doing that before finals were over with. I could have bombed them, and lost my opportunity. I however chose to have faith in myself and turned it in early. I haven’t struggled as much with giving myself credit where credit is due, or having faith in myself.
I have realized that if I don’t post every single day that it’s okay. Writing is on MY terms, not the terms of anyone else. I write to relax, and to enjoy myself and that’s alright. I do this for enjoyment, and not for anyone else’s. I have accomplished so much more than a good semester of school grades, and a happy home. I’ve worked so hard to see myself as beautiful, strong, intelligent and happy. I’ve forgiven myself and others for things that they have done, and the past stay where it belongs, in the past. I have realized that I can’t completely fight what I have going on in my head alone, I need help and that’s okay. I realized that, I’m going to have bad days, and that’s okay too. I’m not as bad as I thought I was.
I am awesome just the way I am, and so is everything that I do. As long as I do the best I can, and do it for my own happiness, that is all that truly matters.